Flatulent Technologies : Products and Services

Extracting Energy from Everything that Stinks or Rots

Methane:
Energy of the Future

Methane stands out as a readily available and cheap fuel, and its character-
istics make it the energy source of the future. Flatulent Technologies' core business is capturing, processing, transporting, distributing and marketing methane (CH4). We supply methane to more than 316,960,000 homes, businesses and industries worldwide. Flatulent Technologies has revolutionized the production of methane from its many sources -- boldly harnessing this most reliable energy source, neglected and wasted by other, less creatively driven companies.

Whether we like to admit it or not, there are many things produced by our modern, industrial/information age society which we are repulsed by -- which are odoriferous when they reach a state of decomposition and decay. There is an abundance of such stinking and rotting organic matter around us everywhere we look -- garbage, livestock manure, sewage sludge, not to mention the flatulent bowels of cattle and other living beings, including ourselves. We can be quite confidant that the odors these things generate will forever accumulate and linger around us. It is an inescapable part of the human condition. The truly wonderful part of it is: all these things produce a useful energy resource -- methane gas -- as they ferment or decay. As you can see, flatulence is one of the world's most abun-
dant energy resources.

Flatulent Technolo-
gies has specially designed livestock barns, hermetically sealed to prevent the escape of energy-rich fumes, and ingeniously ventilated to absorb the methane gas emissions, while ensuring adequate fresh air to prevent bovine asphyxiation.

To pull down the energy-laden methane wafting from human bowel blasts, our corporation has established a vast network of gas collection centers equipped with specially fabricated methane recovery chambers (i.e., "Toot Booths") by Halliburton Corporation.

New, Synergistic Business Opportunities:

Flatulent Technolo-
gies is not content, however, in confining itself to the narrow niche market of methane gas capture and production. We are continually expanding into a multitude of diverse enterprises, using our creative imaginations to envision new possibilities to make everyone's life better and richer.

In April of 1997, Flatulent Technologies leveraged its substantial capital investment in methane production and energy conversion facilities for the strategic acquisition of the multinational agribusiness giant, Consolidated Bean. The number of synergistic business opportunities that have been created by the marriage of Consoli-
dated Bean with Flatulent Technologies has just exploded! Among them: nutritious and delicious Sno-Fu, our bean curd flavored ice cream, and other bean-derived confectionery products; an exciting new and more potent non-alcooholic beverage we call "Carumba" developed from an obscure bean growing wild in the Brazilian rainforest that is guaranteed to "blow out of the water" Coca-Cola, Pepsi, and all the other competing bottlers of sugar water; and designer organwear for men made of latex drawn from the castor bean plant that will make your love-making even more arousing and inspirational than you ever believed possible.

In addition to the exciting products described above, Flatulent Technologies and its network of subsidiaries are involved in a diverse range of products and services, including water purification and distribu-
tion, financial havens from bad weather, trading in commodities and futures contracts in the major commodity exchanges, pollution credits, advertising, broadband Internet time, and the cultivation of super-sized, genetically engineered vegetables. We are also actively bidding to acquire a company producing the very largest (5 ton) sport-utility vehicles (SUVs) and pickup trucks gracing the highways today.

Global Reach:

Flatulent Technolo-
gies has extended its corporate reach throughout the world, seeking new opportunities in which to project its creative imagination, cunning, and considable

Flatulent Technologies' World Headquarters,
1100 Three Winds Plaza, Houston, Texas --
The "centerpiece" of our magnificent plaza is a
sculpture by world renowned artist Jean Dubuffet
titled "Trois Giraffe Flatulent."

America's Windiest Cities

We were curious about where in this great country methane fumes were being most prodigiously generated, and the most favorable locations to open new gas collection centers. So we gathered data from our network to determine which of our cities was "windiest." The bar chart below provides the results of this unique survey. We hope you find it enlightening.

Boston is known as "Beantown" and Chicago has traditionally been called the "Windy" city for reasons other than having to do with its weather. How then do we explain the District of Columbia being the most flatulent, and by such enormous margins? There are a lot of powerful folks in Washington -- opportunistic politicians, of course -- but also, well heeled lobbyists, wily lawyers, smart-ass media pundits and the press, nerdy "think tank" policy analysts, hawkish military brass, and haughty high-level government appointees. It is said that "powerful men have powerful appetites," and if that includes an appetite for beans, cabbage, and other gas-inducing foods, then "wind" is sure to follow. America is a richer and greater nation as a result. In fact, by our calcula-
tions, there is enough flatulence emanating from Washington alone to meet nearly 90 percent of America's total energy needs!

The explosions reportedly heard by neighbors of the Washington, D.C. residence of Vice-president Cheney provide additional evidence of Washington's prolific generation of gas. We hazard to speculate that the reported explosions may have followed Mr. Cheney eating a particularly hearty meal of beans and franks.

financial power.

For example, our good friend, Dr. Henry Kissinger, introduced Flatulent Technologies' CEO Kenneth Leigh to the impressive and equally charismatic Indian political leader, Chief Minister Narendra Modi. With Mr. Modi's endorsement to the local population, Flatulent Technologies has been able to establish the booming, agro-industrial colony of Flatulabad in Gujarat state, India. Flatulabad has attracted a working and flatulent population of more than 35,000 men, women, and many, many children! With no troublesome labor unions and no government regulations maliciously controlling

how much money the local population can earn in the service of fulfilling Flatulent Technologies' ambitious productivity targets, India is a corporate paradise come true. Moreover, these wonderful, skinny vegetarian folks will happily work for little more than their weight in lentil beans -- especially so their cute, young boys and girls.

Flatulent Technologies develops markets in all parts of the globe -- from mining diamonds in South Africa to capturing permafrost gases in Russia's Siberia, from cultivating faba beans in Italy to extracting biogas from kangaroo dung in Australia. We are everywhere.

This Flatulent Technologies web site is intended to be perused by those age 18 and older.
All content is fictional and parody and should not in any way be construed as fact. Please read our disclaimer.