PRESS RELEASE

Flatulent Technologies' CEO awarded
Presidential Medal of Freedom

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Printed below is an unexpurgated transcript of the speech delivered by President George W. Bush on the auspicious occasion of the awarding of the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Kenneth L. Leigh, Chief Executive Officer of Flatulent Technologies, January 22, 2001.

I am pleased to be standing here today at the White House with my very good friend, fundraiser, and supporter, Kenneth Leigh -- or as I prefer to call him -- "Lazy Boy." It seems like yesterday... as a matter of fact, it was just yesterday that I stood here at my own coronation... inauguration... whatever you call that ceremony where "Bugs" Rehnquist swore me in... and reflected on the coup I pulled off to occupy this here "squatter shack." [Laughs heartily.] All joking aside, on this first full day of my widely celebrated presidency, it is my pleasure to award Lazy Boy the coveted Presidential Medal of Freedom in honor of his innovative, humanitarian work at energy giant, Flatulent Technologies. This award is presented in part for his groundbreaking and selfless work bettering the condition of the poor losers who, through no particular fault of their own, are donwsized out of their jobs and lack the initiative like Lazy Boy to aggressively go out and make opportunities for themselves. Among his many accomplishments, the awardee is responsible for the highly innovative Welfare for Wind Program. In this program, the leading methane gas producing company supplies bulk quantities of beans at the special wholesale discount rates they formerly only offered working employees -- on the condition that each former employee spends at least 8 hours a week breaking wind at one its many gas collection centers across our great land. This unique corporate program has received many accolades from myself, the Vice-president, and industry leaders for exemplifying "Compassionate Conservatism." It is now my honor to present Kenneth L. "Lazy Boy" Leigh with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. If you would just put down that [clears throat] blasted cell phone for just a minute, I will place this medal around your neck, you big nut case you! I would like to relate a little story about my close personal friend, and how I came to bestow his nickname "Lazy Boy." Whenever I would call on Ken at his swanky Houston office, I would find him in his La-Z-Boy recliner. If I called on him mid-afternoon, he would be taking his two or three hour "siesta." He explains that the nap serves to refresh himself and keep his mind alert to follow the Byzantine financial transactions and deals put forward by Andy [Andrew Fastone, the company's CFO] and Jeff [Jeffrey Skilful, the company's COO]. Boy, do I know how those naps can help. Financial-type math stuff can really make my head swim, too. I have actually known Lazy Boy well before he was hand picked to lead Flatulent Technologies -- since when we were both up-and-comers in Texas. Why, I remember back when Lazy Boy sold Laura a real "lemon" of a 1967 Corvair when he was an ambitious and wonderfully pushy salesman of previously owned automobiles at Merciless Motors in Houston. Although I was plenty P.O.'d at the time, we've since gotten to enjoy a lot of "quality time" together, and I have come to respect and admire his aggressive, can-do attitude -- what others might justifiably call "creative bamboozling." Speaking as we are today about innovation and flatulence, back in the days when I was a Yalie, I wrote a pretty clever little paper for my American History class about one of Benjamin Franklin's little known, but innovative, ideas. Contrary to popular belief, Ben Franklin was no stodgy old "fart" -- oops, pardon my French! Although known as a great early American inventor and innovator -- after all, he organized the first post office and invented the electric light bulb -- few people know anything about old Ben's dream for a future of what you might call "fragrant flatulence." I knew about Ben Franklin's ideas from Dad, and I reckon he learned of them during his CIA days. I refer in particular to Old Ben's letter to the Royal Academy of Brusselles in which he urged the academy to offer a prize to the scientist who could solve this most vexing question: "To discover some Drug wholesome and not disagreeable, to be mixed with our common Food, or Sauces, that shall render the Natural Discharges, of Wind from our bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreeable as perfumes." That [clears throat] history professor gave me only a C- on my paper, and said that I seemed to misunderstand Ben's "satirical intentions!" "What satirical intention?" I asked then, and I still ask. I don't see anything "satirical" about unbefouled air. I understand that a team of brilliant scientific folks at Flatulent Technologies has been working on an answer to the "Franklin Conjecture." They apparently took Ben's challenge quite seriously, too. Knowing the determination and innovative thinking of my friend, Lazy Boy, and the kind of crackerjack people he hires, they are probably very close to a solution. I don't necessarily prescribe [sic] to all of Lazy Boy's orthodox [sic] views -- his bean "gospel" and all. However, you can be darn tootin' I am in favor of American energy independence! Make no mistake about that. For instance, this here can of pork and beans is a potential powder keg of energy! And if consumed and digested in the gut of a legendary flatulator [sic] like Vice-president Cheney, it can be a verifiable nucular [sic] bomb -- a weapon of mass destruction! Did you ever wonder why you never see the Vice-president and me in the same room together, and why he is always described as being in a "secret, undisclosed location?" It is not just for national security reasons! Ha! Ha! Just kidding about that, Dick... Lazy Boy, all of us loyal, patriotic Americans deeply appreciate the work you folks at Flatulent Technologies -- and especially all of your donors of intestinal gas blasting out their noxious vapors in your fine, Halliburton-made "Toot Booths" -- are doing to make this great country such a wonderful place to live. God bless America! Mr. Bush's quotations of our esteemed founding father, Benjamin Franklin, was taken from a work titled: Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School Edited by Carl Japikse, Enthea Press, 1990.