Flatulent Technologies

Extracting Energy from Everything that Stinks or Rots

Products & Services > Gas Collection Centers

Flatulence is a sign of physical strength and an expression of the Life Force. It can be delayed, diminished, or directed, but thankfully, not eliminated. Intestinal gas is the exhaust fume of digestion, the necessary result of the bowel's work.

Flatulent Technologies is proudly doing its part in capturing Nature's exhaust fumes to help make America energy self-reliant in the profoundest sense of that word. The methane gas derived from Flatulent Technologies' gas collection centers significantly reduces the United States' dependence on Middle Eastern oil imports.

Our North Side Chicago Gas Collection Center. Although known as the "Windy City," Chicago ironically ranks well behind Washington, D.C., in methane gas output per capita.

We operate a vast and ever expanding network of gas collection centers across the great U.S. of A., as well as overseas. Check this web page often, as new centers are being opened every day.

Flatulent Technologies' gas collection centers are operated in the same spirit of public service as the Red Cross Blood Banks. However, instead of collecting blood, we gather the intestinal gases produced by flatulent bowels.

An attendant on duty at each collection center assigns individual booths to donors as they enter. Each donor is shown to a private, hermetically sealed methane recovery chamber (i.e., "Toot Booth"), ventilated by forced air, from which their gaseous emissions are collected. Component gases are separated out, and stored in large holding tanks, which are then emptied, and their contents taken twice weekly by large tanker trucks to our regional storage facilities. Most people are not aware that the methane gas collected from just 100 people, each breaking wind for eight hours, is equal in gross energy content to 16 barrels of imported, Venezuelan-grade crude oil!

Centers vary in size -- ranging from the Bronx, New York City gas collection center, which has as many as 125 booths, to the Rapid City, South Dakota collection center, with just 24. For eight hours of releasing methane fumes in a recovery chamber, each donor receives a minimum honorarium of $5, with additional cash incentives paid for methane gas emissions in excess of 350 milliliters.

Vegetarians are especially welcome donors because they are known to be such prolific gas producers. We will pay you flatulent fellows cash bonuses.

CEO Kenneth Leigh personally tests and inspects this Toot Booth as it comes from the Halliburton factory, ready to be shipped to our gas collection center in Philadelphia, adopted home of American patriot Ben Franklin. The booth easily meets the rigorous specifications Flatulent Technologies demands of its facilities.

The methane gas derived from Flatulent Technologies' gas collection centers significantly reduces the United States' dependence on Middle Eastern oil imports.
To encourage and maximize gas production, cooks prepare a menu of tasty bean and legume dishes which are delivered, on call, via a pass-through opening to booth occupants. Examples of our healthy, gas-inducing bean dishes include: Portuguese Bean Soup, Santa Fe Black Beans and Rice, Sauteed Green Beans with Minced Shallots, Tex-Mex Chili Soup, Black Bean and Jicama Salad with Cumin Vinaigrette, Tofu Tacos, and South Indian Red Lentil Soup. The methane gas emitted by just 100 people, each breaking wind for eight hours, is equal in gross energy content to 16 barrels of imported, Venezuelan-grade crude oil!

A sample of bean dishes served, clockwise from top left: Cornbread Bean Bake; Mexicali Salad; Ortega-Style Green Beans; Black Bean, Chicken and Cheese Bake; Arizona Beans and Peppers; and Cheesy Pinto Bean Bake
Although Flatulent Technologies promotes intestinal gas donations by people from all walks of life, we have found that the most enthusiastic and dependable donors tend to be residents of economically depressed inner city areas who have few employment opportunities. They seem to find the $5 honorarium an extremely attractive inducement. However, college campuses have recently shown a sharp upsurge in donations, too. Students see the collection centers as convenient and comfortable places in which to "hang out," and receive some easy pocket money at the same time!

Recently, college student Tad Overwaite provided Flatulent Technologies with the idea of the Flatulometer. The Flatulometer exemplifies Free Market Capitalism that would make Adam Smith proud! The idea came to Tad when he was playing a skill game at a carnival, showing off his physical strength by swinging a sledgehammer to ring a bell. The Flatulometer likewise inspires the competitive spirit among Toot Booth occupants to release methane gas at the maximum level possible, each one vying to outdo the other, and making humanity richer as a consequence. Tad has accepted our lucrative signing bonus and generous stock options, dropping out of school to become the new vice-president of Flatulent Technologies' Applied Technology Division.

Coming soon:

Popular radio personality and conservative political commentator Rush Limbaugh will grace us with a LIVE broadcast from a Toot Booth in our Times Square, New York City gas collection center. You can surely expect ol' Rush to exert his own kind of "wind" power to denounce the twin evils of taxes and government regulation. Check back on this web site for date and time.

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