Flatulent Technologies : Employee Transition

Extracting Energy from Everything that Stinks or Rots

The Challenge of Change

As the Bible says:"For every thing there is a season.... a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep and a time to cast away." During its history of existence, aggressively growing and acquiring new enterprises every day, Flatulent Technologies has done a fair amount of casting away unneeded employees -- as many as 134,237 at last count. Our People Division helps our laid off employees gracefully accept their fate and comfortably transition to a simpler lifestyle relying on unemployment payments, welfare, and food stamps. We encourage them to see this as an opportunity to discover their "inner self," as ugly and distasteful that may be to contemplate.

For instance, we offer our laid off employees a handbook by Martha Stuart, vice-president of our People Division, containing many useful tips for making do with less. We also offer a very informative web site for employees who have not already pawned their family's computer to buy bread, milk, and beans to feed themselves. We want to do whatever we can to improve the unhappy, wretched lives of our former employees.

These poor souls experience great difficulty adjusting to the shock and dismay of no longer being associated with the fastest growing and most profitable company in the history of Wall Street. We help them make that emotional and psychological-
ly painful transition. However, in spite of our being an enormous multi-national corporation with billions of dollars in annual revenues, it is not our responsibility to help them find new jobs, health insurance, or pay home mortgages and food bills. We believe that what we call Reality Therapy is more helpful to them in the long run than unjustified optimism and wishful thinking.

Here is yet another example of Flatulent Technologies' largesse: Our recent corporate acquisition and subsidiary -- Consolidated Bean -- is supplying beans (available in 30 and 45 pound bags) at the special wholesale discount rates they formerly only offered to working employees. However, the offer of whole-
sale price rates is con-
ditioned on a commitment that the former employee spends at least 8 hours a week breaking wind at one of many Flatulent Technologies' gas collection centers scattered across this great country. We have called this formal arrangement our Welfare for Wind program.

This innovative program has received many accolades from industry leaders, as well as the Presidential Medal of Freedom for exemplifying "Compassionate Conser-
vatism." In fact, Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare Tommy Thompson is recommending that all state governments and major cor-
porate employers implement similar programs for their unemployed workers.

At the award ceremony in the White House portico, President Bush extols the virtues of a diet rich in beans which promotes methane generation and furthers American energy independence.

The Story of Clifford O.,
Unfortunate Victim of
Corporate Downsizing

Clifford O. in happier times
When Hofnung Telecom-
munications was acquired by Flatulent Technologies in 1999, its Plant Operations Manager, Clifford O., found himself the unfortunate victim of corporate downsizing. He never thought it would happen to him, but it was really unavoidable. Flatulent Technologies had to consoli-
date and reduce its enlarged workforce to operate profitably with maximum efficiency. To make matters worse, the loss of his job so emasculated Clifford that it contributed to the loss of his very attractive wife, Lynn, and seven lovely children. Jeffrey Skilful, Flatulent Technologies' Chief Operations Officer (COO), is now looking after the welfare of Lynn and the children as her new and extremely financially able husband.

Clifford was soon homeless and "wifeless." We found him dejected and unem-
ployed, living off food scraps from trash cans and sleeping in parks. The family's dog, Buster, was Clifford's only friend left in the world.

Clifford O. and mangy mutt Buster down and out in Oakland, California

Clifford was not one to take solace in religion, Transcen-
dental Meditation, or any of the various forms of Eastern mysticism that enable people these days to escape from their otherwise tedious, shallow lives. To rehabi-
litate Clifford, the staff of our People Division stepped in to provide him Reality Therapy psychological counseling, paid for by garnishing Clifford's modest severance pay. He is better educated now about the health and nutritional value of eating beans, and he has recon-
ciled himself to his fate as an unfortunate "loser" in the tough, competitive struggle of our great country's wonderfully efficient, Capitalist economic system.

To try to brighten Clifford's otherwise bleak future, we dressed him in a crisp, new suit, gave him a sharp-looking haircut and a shave, and scrubbed him clean. The flea-bitten mutt, Buster, was turned over to an animal shelter. Today, Clifford is a contented participant in Flatulent Technologies' award-winning Welfare for Wind program. Even though Clifford is no longer gainfully employed by Flatulent Technologies, he makes significant methane contri-
butions to the corporation, while he furthers his beloved country's goal of achieving energy independence.

Handy Tips for Simple Living
(From Martha Stuart's "Less is More" Handbook)
Make regular rounds of your scavenger territory, checking for forgotten change in pay telephones and vending machines.

Consider packing up your sleeping bag and gear and relocating to a warm climate with a low cost of living and generous public assistance benefits. Florida and Nevada are prime candidate "mooching" states.

Consider picking up a German Shepherd from an animal shelter, investing in a pair of dark sunglasses, and selling pencils from a tin can on a street corner.

If you can play a musical instrument or have any aptitude in the performing arts, you can earn easy pocket money putting these skills to work playing to busy, city pedestrian traffic. Talent is not important; however, dressing shabbily and looking pathetic is crucial. If you have lost fingers or limbs, or been maimed in a workplace accident, a defect can now be turned to your advantage. A blind accordion player can pick up three times as much change as a sighted one of equal ability.

Never turn down anything free, and never throw out anything that could possibly be used again (e.g., chewing gum, cigarettes, newspapers and magazines, rubber bands, glass bottles and aluminum cans, plastic and paper bags). Even if you don't need or want something, you can always swap it, or turn it in at a recycling center.

When shoes become worn out and full of holes, tear off and fold scrap pieces of cardboard and place them in the soles.

If forced out of your home because you can't come up with the money to pay the rent or mortgage, bridges and highway underpasses can serve as temporary shelter until you can find a friend or relative's home to move into.

If a friend takes pity on you and invites you to a restaurant for a meal, be sure to order the largest meal possible and take out what remains of it in a "doggie bag", or if the restaurant is an "all you can eat" buffet, be careful not to spend money to feed yourself for at least one day before partaking of this free meal in which you really stuff yourself.

Remember: never leave a hotel empty handed.

Most restaurants and grocery stores have food they can't serve or sell. If you go to the back of their establishment and grovel embarrassingly, they will probably take pity and give you some of it.

If invited to a friend or relative's home, check beneath chair and sofa cushions for loose change (preferably while no one is looking).

When using public restrooms, take as much toilet paper and towels as you can possibly carry off under your coat or shirt.

When shopping at grocery stores, eat as much as you can while walking through the store (e.g., loose fruits and vegetables, bags of potato chips, packages of cookies).

Cancel subscriptions to all newspapers and magazines, and memberships in book, video, and CD clubs. Books, newspapers, magazines, videotapes, and CDs are all available at your local library. You have plenty of time on your hands now to fully explore their diverse inventory.

While at the public library, thoroughly scan local newspapers for notices about upcoming public events or private affairs (such as marriages, funerals, barmitzvahs, and anniversaries) that might offer free food. You can "crash" these private parties by posing as a forgotten relative.

And last, but not least...

Consider becoming vegetarian. Forget about buying expensive cuts of meat and animal products. Switch to a healthy and nutritious regimen of beans and legumes, which if properly chosen, can supply all your protein requirements. It's a good thing.

Pictured here is the rehabilitated Clifford O. today, thanks to Flatulent Technologies' Reality Therapy counseling and Welfare for Wind Program. Clifford has filled the void created by losing his wife and kids with an abiding love of beans.

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