Al's 1996 White House Correspondents Dinner Speech

Thanks to Geoff Rodkey for sending me this.

Thank you. thank you very much. The last time I was in this room was a little over a month ago for the Radio and TV Correspondents Dinner. And during the dinner I came up with the title of my next book. Don Imus is a Big Putz.

Quick. My impression of Don Imus at the 1944 Radio Correspondents' Dinner. Don Imus at the 1944 Radio Correspondents Dinner. "For those of you listening on radio, the President is a cripple." I guess Imus w

as trying to demonstrate his shock jock credentials by showing that he was willing to stand up in front of a room of 3000 people and offend pretty much every one of them. That's not what I want to do here tonight. Let me tell you what my goal is. If at the end of the evening, Newt Gingrich leaves the hotel thinking, "Hey, that Al Franken is a pretty funny guy." Then I'll know that I've failed miserably. And let a lot of people down. On the other hand, if at the end of the evening, the President says to himself, "hmmm, Al would make a great counsel general to Bermuda," then mission accomplished.

But the White House Correspondent's Association was afraid of a repeat of the whole Imus debacle. So the board of governors had a meeting and drew up some groundrules for tonight's talk. For example, there are a number of subjects I've been instructed to avoid.

- Whitewater
- specifically Web Hubbell
- Susan Thomases
- either of the McDougals
- I am not to do jokes about any aspect of the President's personal life.
Except his eating habits. Evidently, sir, you eat quite a lot. And the Correspondents Association seems to think we could have quite of bit of harmless fun with that.

Other subjects to avoid:

- Newt Gingrich's first wife
- Bob Dole's first wife
- Phil Gramm's first wife.
- Dick Armey's first wife.
- Rush Limbaugh's first wife.
- Rush Limbaugh's second wife.
- Rush Limbaugh's third wife.
- Here's an odd one - I can do jokes about abortion, but only first trimester abortions.
- Now this one's almost insulting. I must remain fully clothed. For instance I cannot moon the First Lady. What do you think I am? A shock jock?

So, Carl, you can rest assured. I'm not going to any jokes that could make the President or the First Lady even remotely uncomfortable. And if you believe that, I've got some land in Arkansas I'd like to sell you.

But I can sympathize with Imus somewhat because when you do a speech like this you do have to risk offending someone. When I did this dinner two years ago I told a joke that is actually still timely. The joke was: Having Al D'Amato lead an ethics investigation is little like having Bob Dornan head up a mental health task force." Not a bad little joke. Well, three days later, this is ture, I'm in Hollywood in someone's office and this guy's assistant walks in and says, "Al, Congressman Bob Dornan is on the phone for you." So I pick it up and say, "Hello, Congressman." He says, "I heard you really did me in at the White House Correspondents Dinner." "Well, I told a joke." "What was the joke?" "Well, the joke was...having Al D'Amato lead an ethics investigation is a little like...having Bob Dornan...head up a mental health task force." And there was this pause...."Ah, hell, that's okay."

So now I like Bob Dornan. Even though he is a crazy homophobe, the guy can take a joke.

Speaking of Al D'Amato, I'm getting pretty well known for my Al D'Amato impression. You wanna hear it?

"We are simply attempting to ascertain the veracity of the First Lady vis a vis and in regard to the discrepancies and inconsistencies - which I am told...mean the same thing - in so far as they relate to the documentation contained in the documents and the information therein...vis a vis and in regard to...uh...does anyone remember how I started this sentence?" Thank you.

This year has been very exciting for me, because for a while this winter I was kind of a member of the press corps. I briefly covered the campaign for Newsweek. I remember one night in Manchester, N.H. I went to a Dole event. A VFW spaghetti dinner. It was a very special night for the senator. Because there were actually a few people there who were older than Dole. Turned out to be a real morale booster.

So the next day, I went to the Milford Rotary Club to see Steve Forbes, who's here tonight. By the way, Mr. Forbes, my book did so well that I'm now for the flat tax. I'm sure that have my royalties taxed at 17 instead of 39.6% will unleash my creative energies.

Anyway, I it was this cold day in Milford and there were about a hundred of us in the press corps who were locked out of the Rotary Club because, according to the Forbes press guy, we had frightened the Rotarians.

So we're standing out there freezing for about two hours. And this Dutch crew that was there decided to interview me, which shows you how little was happening. And this Dutch correspondent says to me, "Which of the Republicans do you like the most?" And I said, "Well, of the Republicans? Dole, I guess." "Oh, but he is so old!" he said. And I said, "Well, he wasn't too old to save your sorry Dutch ass. How long did it take the Germans to roll over Holland? Was that like an hour?" I just hope that was on Dutch TV.

By this point in the campaign Phil Gramm had dropped out. Which to be honest, I had sort of seen coming. First time I saw Gramm on the stump last year he said, "Ah flunked the third, seventh and ninth grades." Gee, what a surprise.

I followed Buchanan around for a few days in South Carolina. I hate his politics, but I met Buchanan in 1988 at the Atlanta Democratic convention. I was doing commentary for CNN. Which also didn't work out. But I found Buchanan very charming. And I went back to New York and told my firends, "Pat Buchanan is very charming." And the response I got from more than one of my friends was, "Yeah, well Geobels was charming." Which is so unfair. Because Geobels was not charming. He was an ill-tempered backbiter.

Anyway, my Newsweek assignment was to get an interview with Buchanan. Which I didn't get. But I came up with some questions, and I don't want to waste them so:

- You've said that a million immigrant Englishmen would assimilate to life in Ameirca better than a million Zulus. Who would do better: A million Zulus or a million Pygmies?
- You have said that Holocaust survivors had "group fantasies of martyrdom and heroics." Is the same true of your followers?
- Have you ever had a homoerotic dream?
And Lamar Alexander is here tonight. I think we all remember Lamar's ABC's. Alexander Beats Clinton. Or as I like to call it. A Bad Campaign.

Course we all know the Alexander campaign would have gone nowhere without the support of Bill Bennett. Now I haven't actually read The Book of Virtues, but I have seen Bennett on TV quite a bit. Evidently, smugness is one of the basic virtues.

But Dole is the nominee, and I don't need to tell you in the media that things aren't going well. Dole is behind the President in every demographic group except one. Apparently he still enjoys a slight lead among Agribusiness executives.

For now the Dole campaign is dead in the water, and the feeling is that the only thing that will save it is if Colin Powell agrees to be his running mate. You know, the whole Colin Powell phenomenon has led me to one indisputable conclusion: The first Jew to be elected President of the United States will have to be a four star general.

That gave me the idea of looking for a Jew in the military that we could start grooming for a run at the White House. So I did some research. Unfortunately, it turns out that the highest ranking Jew in the armed forces right now is Comptroller of the Coast Guard.

I think New Jersey governor Christy Whitman would be a good choice for Dole. She's very popular, and I have a theory about that that I've never heard anyone else articulate. Here it is: Americans love royalty. No couple represents royalty to Americans more than Prince Charles and Princess Di. Christy Whitman is a dead-on cross between Prince Charles and Princess Di.

Now I've been told that the Dole campaign has eliminated John Engler from consideration. Apparently he's two pounds overweight.

Now the Clinton and Dole camps have yet to agree on how the debates will work. The Clinton campaign would like a series of eight debates on subjects ranging from economic insecurity to the environment. The Dole campaign wants one debate on the subject, "My War Record."

So the President is doing very well in the polls. Things are looking very good for November. But you watch. One of these days the Clinton Administration is going to make a mistake.

Of course, the campaign has now moved back here to the capital. The big battle for most of this past year has been the budget. Last week the President finally signed a budget for fiscal year '96. And that's good. But there's still a lot of work to do toward balancing the budget in the next seven years.

How can we cut all these programs, retain civilization as we know it, and become a better and more compassionate country. I've looked at the budget and it can be done, but we need creative thinking to make it work. In the spirit of Gingrich and Kasich I have an idea.

Now every proposal for balancing the budget includes big cuts for both Medicare and NASA. Now here are two seemingly unrelated facts.

Fact one: 30% of medicare expenditures are incurred by people in the last year of their lives.

Fact two: NASA spends billions a year on astronaut safety.

Maybe you see where I'm going.

Why not shoot the elderly into space? Stay with me. Because I'm not just thinking about the budget here. I'm talking about science. Just think how many more manned space operations NASA could undertake if they didn't have to worry about getting the astronauts back.

Now I'm not saying we don't try to get them back. We just don't make such a big deal about it. That way we don't have to use the Shuttle every time, which is very expensive. Put an old Mercury capsule on top of a Saturn rocket, fire it up, and see what happens. And if the "Houston, we've got a problem" call comes, Mission Control can simply reply, "Best of luck. We're rooting for you."

We could learn so much. What is the effect of weightlessness on arthritis? Let's make it our goal to perform the first hip replacement in space before the millenium!

Would aluminum foil make a good spacesuit for a space walk? Or would you bake like a potato? That would be fun to know. Would a '72 Buick Le Sabre make a good space capsule? This whole thing could be a tremendous boon to what is called "raw science." For example, how close to the sun can a person get before he bursts into flame? Would it make any difference if he's fat?

Here's another idea. I am not a military expert so I'm not sure that this is feasible. But here it is. From what I've read I understand there is nothing more terrifying in battle than seeing enemy hordes charging at you with no regard for their own lives. Why have we always insisted on asking our young men, and now young women, in the flower of their lives to risk themselves in combat? Why not, in the right situation, use a human wave of our elderly to scare the enemy?

Think about it. You're an Iraqi or a North Korean soldier. Suddenly, over the horizon, you see a batallion of Americans. They won't attack, you think. America wouldn't risk the blood of its precious youth when it could simply employ their sophisticated, expensive weapons. Then you look through your binoculars, and a chill goes down your spine. Retirees! Thousands and thousands of them! Each one older than the next. Each with a life expectantcy of three or four years at most. You think to yourself, "What do these people really have to lose? The four worst years of their lives?" You're terrified. Then they charge. A slow charge, yes, but that makes it even more frightening.

Admittedly, there's some kinks to work out. Mobilization would be tough. I don't know if you've ever organized a group of seniors for a theatre trip? I don't think training would be that much of a problem. It'd be kind of like, "Go out there and run." And this would give our World War II era Americans a chance to contribute yet again to our country. Just when they thought they were forgotten.

I guess what I'm saying is let's not just talk about our problems. Let's talk about solutions.

Speaking as I am here in Washington D.C. I would be remiss if I did not mention your mayor. I know I speak for all of us when I say our thoughts are with His Honor as he rejuvenates himself now at a religious retreat in St. Louis. I'm actually very happy he ended up there. It's a seems much more sensible place to convalesce than his first choice, the Vista Hotel.

I'll tell you though if I were a single guy I'd move to Washington. Because there are so many attractive, really smart unattached women down here. Enid Waldholz for example. Although I understand it might be a little late. Evidently Enid has found a guy that she plans to build a new life around. Aldrich Ames.

Now ordinarily I'm not one to engage in self-promotion, but this is C-SPAN, and there are literally hundreds of people watching, so I'd like to take a moment to talk about my book, Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot.

You know, the first time I heard Rush Limbaugh on the radio he was spewing about the "feminazis" and their women as victim ideas. He was railing about how feminists believe all heterosexual sex is rape, which is a belief that's very hard to defend. The thing is, though, I know a lot of women, almost all of whom consider themselves feminists, and I know only one who holds this belief. And we've been married nearly twenty years.

Now the whole point of Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot was to satirize the breakdown of civility in our public discourse, which is having a tremendously corrosive effect on society in general. Case in point. Don Imus. And that's why tonight, I'd like to do my part to move the national dialogue forward, not backward. And in all modesty I really hope that historians will look back on this speech as a watershed event that ushers in a New Age of Civility - which will begin immediately after I tell the following jokes about the Speaker.

Now I did read Newt's book To Renew America, and there were an awful lot of futuristic, Third Wave ideas: the diagnostic health chair, honeymoons in space. You know, a lot of us smoked dope and read Toffler in the 70's. I think the Speaker's dirty little secret is that he smoked dope and watched the Jetsons.

But Newt is nothing if not a man of ideas. Some of which have been very contoversial. For example, his gender theories. You'll remember that last year Newt said, and I quote:

"If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying in a ditch for 30 days because they get infections."

Now I read this and the image that immediately came to mind was that of Newt, about fifteen years ago, explaining to his thirteen year old daughter that she just got her first "infection."

You know the good news is that there are more ideas like that to come, because even though his poll numbers are at an historic low, The Speaker is writing another book. Once again he's taking a one dollar advance. Not voluntarily, that's the most he could get.

Now one of the great things about speaking here is that you get to invite a whole table of friends. And it's great because my table is Table 42 and the Speaker is at Table 41. So my guests get to sit near the Speaker. And they're all very excited, and I just thought I'd take a moment to introduce them.

Seated at my table are: Former Speaker of the House Jim Wright now of Fort Worth, Texas. Gail Sheehy of Vanity Fair Magazine. Candace Gingrich of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, and her friend Martina Navratilova of Aspen, Colorado. Christina Jeffrey of Kennesaw, Georgia. I know it was a hardship coming all the way up here just to turn around and go back again. But if you have the time before you leave, I'd really recommend checking out the Holocaust Museum. To Christina's left, Jackie Gingrich of Carrolton, Georgia. Her surgeon, Dr. Robert Levine also of Carrolton. Good work, Doctor, by the way. And, finally, nutritionist Jenny Craig of Del Mar, California. Please, let's hear it for my table.

You know I kid the Speaker. But I knew enjoy it. After all is was his own press secretary Tony Blankley who said, "Don Imus has demonstrated once again that Washington has little capacity to laugh at itself." And it's so great to see that the Speaker is not one of these Washington insiders who can't laugh at himself. Let's hear it for the Speaker. Jackie, you applaud too.

And, of course, I'm going to take a few jabs at the Speaker. Anyone who's read my book knows, I am basically in the President's pocket. My chapter "Bill Clinton, Greatest President of the Twentieth Century" gives you some idea. I mean, I'm really in the tank. And there's actually a lot perks being the President's water carrier. For example, Harry Thomason books all my travel. And he's very good. That's what gets lost in that whole Travelgate thing. He does a heck of a job. He got me a supersaver, Denver to Seattle, 59 bucks. Course he had to backdate the ticket in order to do, which I guess is kind of illegal. Anyway, Harry's great.

And of course, when Air Force One is available, I get to use it. Let me tell you, Air Force One is great. Anybody here been on Air Force One? Table 41? Isn't it great? Especially the front of Air Force One. Now not too many people know this, but there's a zoo up there. All kinds of animals. A kimodo dragon. Couple of Koala bears. If you like that kind of thing, it's great. A full skeleton of Triceratops. Right up there in the front. And the food. Man, you can just stuff your face! Oh, and there's this great interactive multi-media thing on the life and work of Alvin Toffler. Just great.

Course the back of Air Force One isn't much to write home about. All they have is this VCR with like a two minute video that plays over and over again. It's about trying to get deadbeat dads to pay their child support on time. And it's boring, cuz it keeps saying the same thing over and over. "Be a man. Pay your child support. Don't be a bum. Be a man. Pay your child support. Don't be a bum." It's silly, really. I mean what are the chances that a deadbeat dad is going to end up in the back of Air Force One? It's gotta be nothing. It's Air Force One for godsakes!

By the way, there are a lot of parties thrown tonight by different media organizations both before and after this event. And Atlantic Monthly has asked me to do them a little favor. Evidently, no one has RSVP'd to their after-dinner cocktail party honoring James Fallows. So, if you don't mind, if you'd just shout a yes or no? Cokie?

Speaking of buckraking. Ever since my book hit the bestseller list I've been getting a lot higher fees for speaking engagements. But I'm still not totally satisfied with my going rate. Now I'm pretty sure some prospective buyers are watching tonight. So by applause, how many here think that I'm worth more than Morton Kondracke? I thought so. Now I'm going to work my way up from the bottom. How about Dinesh D'Souza? Moving right along...Carl Rowan?

This is a year when there's been a lot of criticism of the press. The media has been accused of being shallow, biased, and obsessed with the horse race at the expense of the issues. And I agree. Most of you are doing a very bad job. There are some exceptions. Bill Schneider for example. Bill really cuts through the chaff and gets right to the point.

For example, the day before the New Hampshire primary, I was watching CNN and Bernard Shaw asked him: Bill, what do we look for tomorrow?
Bill: Well, the first thing to look for, Bernie, is who comes in first. Now the press is likely to portray that person as the big winner. And winning in politics is very important. In fact, this race may well be determined by who wins the most primaries. Now, Bernie, the second thing to watch is who comes in second. That person can claim to be the runner-up. Being runner- up isn't winning, but it's next best thing. Which brings us to the third thing to look for.
Bernie: Who comes in third?
Bill: Yes, Bernie. The third place finisher won't be first or second, but he won't be fourth either. Which means he's still in the top three.
Bernie: Thank you, Bill Schneider. Bill Schneider will be back on Friday with his political play of the week. Bill, any hints?
Bill: Well, Bernie, I'm not making any promises, but it may very well involve whoever comes in first.
Bernie: Thank you Bill Schneider.

I'm sure you noticed that the President and First Lady arrived in the middle of dinner. They were attending a charity auction for Chelsea's school. And the President was actually on the auction block tonight. Let me read from the Sidwell Friends 1996 auction catalogue. Item 48. A Day with the President. Watch history in the making as First Parent Bill Clinton provides a sworn deposition in the criminal trial of his former business associates. Secret service clearance required.

As I'm sure many of you have heard The President is making a cameo in a TV Movie on the Make A Wish Foundation and all the good work they do. In the movie the President will appear with a child whose wish is to see him sign a budget agreement which reaches balance in seven years using CBO numbers. The President will be playing himself. And this is weird. The part of Vice President Gore will be played by Fred Thompsen.

Also I've been asked to introduce, here tonight, as guests of Janet Reno and Louis Freeh, table 19, the Freemen, ladies and gentlemen. This is all part of the new FBI siege negotiation protocol. Ready to give. Whup! Take your time.

Kenneth Starr was going to be here tonight. But he had a conflict.

Also here tonight. Filmmaker Oliver Stone. And Linda Robb. Which is very confusing. Because I've met Linda and she's terrific. Especially considering she's the daughter of the man who killed Kennedy. What? You didn't see JFK? Evidently, Kennedy wanted to get out of Vietnam, but the Joint Chiefs and CIA and Lyndon Johnson and the mafia and Clay Shaw would have none of it. Well, wait a minute. What am I doing? I'm talking to a room full of people who have spent their entire careers covering this up. Well, I don't care. Because we in Hollywood have the courage to tell the truth. And then to sit amongst the killers and eat their lamb chops.

By the way, also here tonight is Charles Murray, who I understand has been hard at work on a sequel to The Bell Curve entitled Jazz, the Music Created by Morons.

As Charles well knows, when you're on a book tour, you wind bumping into a lot of other authors who are on the circuit. One I kept running into and spent a lot of time with was Anonymous. What a jackass. Never picked up a check. Always took the window seat. One of the embarrassing things about my book's success was that I knocked Hillary's book It Takes a Village out of the number one spot on the bestsellers list. Of course, my book was then knocked off by another one of her books. Blood Sport. I was actually a little disappointed by Blood Sport. See I had thought it was about Tom Delay's fundraising tactics.

I don't know if you saw that the EEOC has dropped its gender bias case against Hooters after the restaurant chain agreed to hire male waiters, but only if they have really big knockers. I'm sorry, but I just wanted to keep Martin Hoke interested.

The minimum wage is a big issue. So during dinner we did an informal poll of those in the room. And the results are interesting. 76% of the people in this room would like to see an increase in the minimum wage. And here's how it breaks down. 89% of Democrats favor an increase in the minimum wage. 27% of Republicans favor an increase. And 100% of the waiters favor an increase in the minimum wage. Also Frank Luntz did a focus group in the kitchen with the waiters - turns out the worst tipper is Arianna Huffington. And guess who the best tipper is. Tipper.

You know, before I mentioned something about the President nominating me for some position in the administration. I was just kiding, because I would never want to undergo the brutal confirmation process

Mr.Franken, I understand that you were involved in something called Saturday Night Live, which was some kind Vaudeville troupe that performed on radio.

No, Senator, that was on TV.

And that is color television?

Yes. Color television.

I can't hear you. Can you talk into the machine?

I'm sorry.

The machine! Talk into the machine. The machine.

D'Amato - If I may interupt my esteemed colleague. I think what Senator Thurmond is attempting to ascertain are the bona fides, if I may use that word, because I'm not sure what it means, though I think I used it in the right context, the bona fides of your qualifications, since that is very much within this committee's purvue and, uh, jurisdiction which I am told are synonymous, which I understand means that they mean the same thing.

Thank you. Good night. You've been a great audience. Wait, wait. One last thing. Mike McCurry. Would you do me a big favor? Could you make it a point to ask C-SPAN not to re-run this? I could really use the publicity.