Ben's Humor Page
This page is going to feature some links, some jokes, some
stories -- it'll change from time to time and hopefully be good for a laugh.
<grin>
Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie
These fellows are rapidly becoming the most popular geek humor
group around. One of their latest is a delightful "music video" called "Every OS
Sucks" posted by BrainBuzz.com. To
see it, follow the link below.
Enjoy!
A Quack-up
One day a duck walks into a bar, hops up onto a stool and orders
a beer. The incredulous bartender looks and him and stammers out
"But...you're...a duck!?" "Very good" says the duck,
impatiently. "And you can talk!?" blurts the bartender.
"Nothing wrong with your hearing" retorts the duck, "now how
about that beer?"
Nothing illegal about serving a duck so the bartender draws him
a beer. The duck puts his $3 on the counter and starts to drink his
beer. "What brings you in here?" the bartender asks.
"Well, I'm working around the corner at the construction
site so I'll probably be in here a lot over the next couple of weeks." the
duck replies. Finally finishing his beer, the duck leaves a nice tip and
swaggers out.
Sure enough, the duck is in the bar every afternoon for his
beer.
One day the bartender notices a fellow at the bar who says he
owns a circus that has come to town. Suddenly struck by an idea the
bartender tells him about the duck. "A talking duck?" the circus
man exclaims. "That's great!"
"I'll give him your card and maybe the two of you can get
rich!" the bartender offers. The circus man, quite excited,
tips his hat and leaves. A short while later the duck comes in for his
beer. The bartender is bursting with excitement as he draws the duck's
beer. Placing it in front of him he says "Hey, I know this guy who
owns a circus and he was thinking he might have a job for you. Could make
you rich?!"
"Hmmm, a circus?" the duck ponders aloud.
"You mean with the big canvas tents and all?" "Yep, that's
right!" the bartender replies, clearly proud of himself.
The duck continues..."So what would he need with a
plasterer?"
The famous Polar Bear joke.
One day a polar bear cub walks up to his dad, taps him on the
shoulder and asks, "Dad, am I a polar bear?" "Yes, son,
you're a polar bear" his father answers, slightly puzzled. The cub
shrugs and meanders off.
The next day the cub walks up to his dad again, taps him on the
shoulder and asks again, "Dad, am I a polar bear?" "Yes, of
course you're a polar bear!" his father answers, more puzzled and a little
less patiently. Again the cub, shrugs and strolls away.
The next day the cub again walks up to his father, taps him on
the shoulder and asks the question "Dad, am I a polar bear?"
This time his father has run out of patience. "YES, you're a polar
bear. Your mother is a polar bear, I'm a polar bear, YOU'RE a polar
bear. You were a polar bear yesterday, you'll be a polar bear tomorrow,
WHY do you keep asking me this?!?!"
The little bear sighs, looks up at his dad and exclaims
"Because I'm freakin' FREEZING!"
Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s
by Scott Adams
I
get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip
"Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths,
stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person. But a growing number
are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say they've
already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.
If you're not
familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who spends
most of his
time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not exactly Kevin
Costner.
Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and
educated. And he stays home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly
explain the incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction?
I
think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who have the
best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was important to be
able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the
forehead.
But that skill is becoming less important every
year.
Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet
card without
having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a
stranger
whose best career option is to work in tech support.
It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each with
its own evolutionary destiny:
1. Knowledgeable computer users
who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal beings who rule the universe
(except for those who work in tech support).
2. Computer owners who
try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand calculators to add totals
to their Excel spreadsheets. This group will
gravitate toward jobs as high
school principals and operators of pet
crematoriums. Eventually they will
become extinct.
3. Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in
zoos and fling dung at
tourists.
Obviously, if you're a woman
and you're trying to decide which evolutionary track you want your offspring
to take, you don't want to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging
Olympics. You want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with
evolution potential.
And women prefer men who listen. Computer
users are excellent listeners because they can look at you for long periods
of time without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's
better if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll
ever have after six months.
If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say,
retail sales, she'll get
repeat stories starting in the seventh month and
lasting forever. Marry an
engineer and she gets a great listener for the
next 70 years.
Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good
strategy to mate with
somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are
applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still
look like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow
of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.
It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I know
because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who
married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I
realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most
persuasive thing I've written so far.
If you still doubt the
sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair. They
tend to have either:
(1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of elevated
testosterone -- or (2)
unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see only on
people who just finished a
frenzied bout of lovemaking. If this were a
trial I think we could reach
a verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence
alone.
I realize
there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in pointing out the
number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest
it isn't the
repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem. That's
okay.
Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists. Then
who'll be
laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody but the
tourists.)
Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate
aphrodisiac. And Bill Clinton
said that knowledge is power. Therefore,
logically, according to the U.S.
government, knowledge of computers is the
ultimate aphrodisiac. You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist --
but it's hard to argue with the
government. Remember, they run the Bureau
of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about
satisfying women.
You might think this was enough to convince anyone
that men who use
computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view:
I'm getting paid
by the word for this article. I'm not done yet.
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot
car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.
Technology
has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood. Men know that
unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to look at
them twice.
It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World
Wide Web will
qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And
nobody likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn
Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's stupid,
I've got 100 words to go.
Finally, there's the issue of mood
lighting. Nothing looks sexier than a
man in boxer shorts illuminated only
by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream
scenario, then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how
to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in
front of a PC in his underwear.
In summary, it's not that I think
non-PC users are less attractive. It's
just that I'm sure they won't read
this article.
More to come...soon...
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