The building is nondescript. If the valets weren’t horsing around out front you would swear you were visiting your dentist rather than having a fine dining expedition. There was a time when Alan Wong’s was the only restaurant that required an elevator ride. Elevators have a mind of their own, and the wait can be interminable. The fumes from King Street’s traffic worked up your nose and if it’s raining, you gotta huddle in close. When the doors open, on the third floor, you enter a mind numbing scene of mini-lights and loud murmurs from the crowd, though the decibel level is not even close to Roy’s.

Plan to spend the first half hour deciphering the menu. The ram’s main problem at AW’s is that the menu writer is not communicating properly with his over-flourished writing. Take the menu description of one of the more popular appetizers offered: "New Wave" Opihi Shooter. Here’s how it’s described: "Local Limpet in Spicy Tomato Water, Fennel Basil Ume Shiso Essences." I know what an Opihi is. I know what a shooter is. "Limpet" is vague and disturbing. Are we talking Opihi or barnacles? "Spicy tomato water" sounds weak and not at all like tabasco. Finally, "Fennel basil ume shiso essences" leaves me flabbergasted. I haven’t a clue what I will get or even a slight idea how this will taste if I ordered it. BTW, it’s delicious. My second problem is that the food combines so many ethnic styles and techniques that it sometimes scares you. This seems like fusion food that is fused, fused again, and refused. One accompaniment to the Salmon entree is called "ochazuke risotto." The Japanese and American mixture just does not sound right together. I steer clear of stuff like that. Maybe, it’s just the writing. Fortunately most of it is quite good.

The service is attentive and sharp. The AW wait staff will banter with you if you give them a chance. And you will need their help to figure out what a dish is. The menu changes constantly, so go on-line to see what the latest offering is. Lot’s of families come here for grandpa’s or grandma’s birthday. It’s a good friendly place for stuff like this.

And, be prepared for the bill. AW’s is the only restaurant that has a loan officer, from a local bank, permanently on staff. Just kidding.

Morton’s Steak House

It’s difficult to determine if Morton’s should be considered an American steakhouse or an ultra restaurant. The fare is American, but the bill will be ultra. This brings up the question of why anyone would pay so much for a piece of cooked meat. So you wanna eat steak? You have several options. You could go down to the neighborhood supermarket and purchase some Black Angus or Sterling steaks, rush back, take an hour to get the coals white hot, flash char the hunks of meat, getting yourself sweaty and smelling like a coal miner, rushing it to the dinner table as the steaks rapidly cool down and congeal, waiting for the gals to get the accompaniments on the table - corn on the cob, microwaved frozen peas, cooled rice or some half done baked potato - and finally consuming a not too satisfying steak. Or, you could go to the neighborhood coffee shop order the fantastic 9.99 NY Steak special and receive something that resembles a cooked oven mitt with the texture of an ocello sponge. Not too satisfying either.

Or, you could go to Morton’s and pay $42 for a rib eye with a bone sticking out of it.

Plus $8 for a baked potato...and $12 the shrimp cocktail....and $18 for the chocolate mousse. And, declare personal bankruptcy after the meal.

Is it worth it? What does the ram say? Huh? Yes, it is. I’m not shouting this. Just whispering it. The steaks at Morton’s are excellent, and huge.

The environ is a bit too clubby and cigary but, hey, it’s supposed to be Chicago. Dark paneling and black and white pictures of celebs decorate the wall.  You are met, as you enter, by a svelte and sleek young thing, dressed in a slinky black dress. Unknowingly, your wallet is scanned by a high tech device situated in the ceiling that does an immediate credit check.  You are told to wait a few minutes while your table is set.  When the green light flashes on at the hostess podium - meaning that you can pay the enormous bill to come - you are taken to your seat.

The seating area is partitioned by low counters that show-off thick asparagi and Opus One cases that highlight a different wine. The staff is a bit to stiff for my taste. I prefer less somber people. I’m not asking for tap dancing or someone who can belt out an aria. But, folks with a sense of humor and who are a bit more flexible. Morton’s also pushes a little too hard on the soufflés. I know they gotta get it in the oven for thirty minutes, but the delivery of the message almost sounds like salesmanship of an encyclopedic nature.  A slight turn-off on the urgency to decide now...or else.

But, you gotta say that these rascals are highly successful. Virtually every table took delivery of a puffed miracle. The wait staff must be having a soufflé contest or something.

The saran-wrap meat display circus that always starts a Morton's dinner was less impressive than I remember.  No oooohs and awwws from my party.  Have the pieces becomes smaller over the years?  They certainly are smaller than the display at the LV Morton's.  Everyone felt sorry for the large lobster than was in its final death throws.  I'm surprised that animal-rights groups have not demanded that the lobster be shown in a tank or that it at least be given water-soak sponges near its gill area.

The appetizers, starches and veggies were okay.  Too bad you couldn't smuggle in your own little stash of Bird's Eye frozen peas and a container of KFC mash with gravy.  Then the meal would approach affordability.  But, the steaks, all of them, were outstanding.  Have a special occasion coming up.  Save-up and go there.

Yes it is noisy. Shouting, semaphoring and signing with your fingers are the ways to hold an over-dinner conversation. And, it’s not intimate. If you get a bad table placement you will constantly be ducking or shrinking from rushing wait staff as they move around you to deliver their meals and retrieve plates and utensils. So if you can’t hold a conversation or propose marriage over dinner, you’re left with your own thoughts and have to smile a lot. If it’s a business dinner, you, again, smile a lot but make certain that you neither nod in agreement or disagreement to anything your meal partner is mouthing.

Known as the "glass box," for its poor acoustics, Roy’s in Hawaii Kai is an extremely popular restaurant that packs em’ in every night. The Pac-Rim fusion fare that they do is now everywhere and some of Roy’s patrons are some of the most pretentious, arrogant, ill-mannered, loud and barbaric people that I’ve experienced. They spill food all over themselves, bait the waiters and harass the flower lady, when she comes around.

Why go there? Cause, Roy’s does fish dishes, consistently better than anyone else. Their mahi and ahi dishes are classics. Be sure to check out dishes that feature our finny friends before considering a steak or the ribs.

What to do while eating? Since you can’t talk you could read the evening paper, or play hangman with your dining partner. Or, you can do what the ram does. Eat in the bar downstairs. You can come in slippers and a bathrobe if you like. You can have a regular conversation and even vent on your spouse as long as you keep it down. And, the service downstairs is just as attentive and sharp as it is upstairs.

This meal will cost you several wheel barrows of gold bullion. Be prepared. But, when the planets align and the boys behind in the open kitchen get it right, it’s Babette’s Feast in Hawaii.

Ruth's Chris

It pays to know what you're doing at these ultra steakhouses where everything is ala carte and at a premium price.  The last time we went to Ruth's Chris everybody on the table ordered an accompanying starch.  What arrived at the table was enough stuff to carbo-load the entire Honolulu Marathon.  Alas, much of it was left and everyone left feeling guilty that so much was wasted and were too embarrassed to ask for doggie bags to turn into fried rice the following day.  Here's a hint that vet-RC goers must know:  order one starch dish  for every three eaters.  The same would apply to the creamed spinach or any other cooked veggie accompaniment. Another hint: the julienne potatoes - a euphemism for French fried potatoes - are great.  Con all your must-have-rice friends to share it with you.  When they tell you that rice would have been better, you've scored.  More for yourself.

Located in Restaurant Row, Ruth's looks like a house that was extended, then extended again, and then again.  I've eaten in the spacious main dining room and have also been taken into long back corridors to tables that would require a compass to re-find if you had to visit the bathroom.

The waitress at our last visit was efficient and straight forward.  The first question asked:  "Have you been to Ruth's Chris before?"  Translation: "Do you really think you can afford this place?"  The second question: "What's the occasion?"  Translation: "One of you must be terminally ill and this must be that person's last steak dinner.  Otherwise, none of you look like you belong here."  After the ram showed her a stack of non-consecutive one hundred dollar bills that he pulled from the thigh pocket of his faded and puka puka jeans, she smiled and proceeded to tell us about Ruth's offerings.

Most in our party had decided to stick to a salad, starch and meat, of course.  The tomato and onion salad was great and most others on the table made joyful noises about their salad of choice.

The steaks also received rave reviews for tenderness and taste from everyone. So what makes these hunks of beef so expensive? Both Ruth’s and Morton’s have similar statements about starting with the best "prime" beef and having ovens capable of temperatures approaching a thermonuclear explosion. Both mention that their beef is "aged." Aging beef is a three to four week process where a slab of beef is hung in a temperature and moisture controlled room. Too cold and it freezes. Not cold enough and the beef rots. The process breaks down muscle fiber and increases tenderness. Aging also removes moisture and concentrates the "beefy" flavors. Twenty percent of the original weight is lost during this process. In the end the shriveled beefy remains becomes a very expensive steak. I also understand that if you saw one of these slabs after it’s been aged for a month you would never eat another steak in your life. Fortunately, it’s trimmed and looks like fresh beef just before cooking. Is it worth the money? Yes, it is. And the best pieces are the strip, porterhouse or rib eye. Which is better, Ruth’s or Morton’s. If eating high-end steaks were like the NBA finals, the Morton Mobsters edge Ruth’s Rapscallions 101 to 99.